As I look back at this time from where I am now, I realize that God was present all along. I couldn't find him because I was looking in the wrong place. I believed that the only way God could show up would be in healing my child. Because I wouldn't turn around and look for God any other way, I missed him. I now know that God had hand picked Caleb’s doctor. Dr Rodriquez's first day at the hospital was the day that Caleb was born If he hadn't been there, Caleb would have been sent to another facility and the entire course of his treatment would have changed. God was present in all of the amazing nurses that we had. They became God's hands of love to us, and although I could receive from them, I never made the connection back to God. The family and friends that reached out also became extensions of God's grace and love.
Over the years I have often grappled with the idea of faith. At one time I believed faith was to continue to pray for and fight for what I wanted no matter what the circumstances looked like. I now wonder if faith isn't trusting in God's love and goodness even when the circumstances don't look good, believing that God truly has a plan that is much different than my own. I believe that had I prayed as Jesus did, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will but as you will," I would have truly been living in faith. How I wish I had cried out to God and allowed him to bring comfort rather than to hold on to my "faith" and almost lose Him.