Sunday, October 27, 2013

Losing God

As the weeks continued and we began to make plans to take Caleb home, the doctor arranged for several trials of taking Caleb off the ventilator.   These trials consisted of removing the ventilator while still having Caleb hooked up to all of the breathing monitors, and because they were all scheduled ahead of time we would all be in prayer, believing for a miracle.  We could all then celebrate and head home with a "normal" child. 
As my prayers remained strong, my disappointment in God grew.  Each time Caleb was removed from the ventilator only to be put back on, my heart broke a little more.  And each time I felt a little bit more betrayed by God.  I had no doubts that God could fix my boy, and the fact that he wasn't fixing him caused me to feel hurt and angry.  I began to turn away from God, because how could I go to him when he would allow something so cruel to continue that was surely within his power to fix. 
I had loved and tried to follow God my entire life.  As a child my family attended a Catholic church, and I remember spending hours talking with God while I would play with my stuffed animals or play on the swings in the backyard.  As I entered high school, my parents switched to a charismatic church, and I attended college at Oral Roberts University.  Oral Roberts was an evangelist who greatly believed in the power of healing.  I understood what the Bible had to say about healing and faith and God. 
Now though, my faith and my life were not connecting.  How could I continue to believe when everything I was believing in was not working.  I began to question if I wanted to continue in my faith.  I had known no other way, though, and so to turn from God at this point would have left me completely deserted..

As I look back at this time from where I am now, I realize that God was present all along.  I couldn't find him because I was looking in the wrong place.  I believed that the only way God could show up would be in healing my child.  Because I wouldn't turn around and look for God any other way, I missed him.  I now know that God had hand picked Caleb’s doctor.  Dr Rodriquez's first day at the hospital was the day that Caleb was born  If he hadn't been there, Caleb would have been sent to another facility and the entire course of his treatment would have changed.  God was present in all of the amazing nurses that we had.  They became God's hands of love to us, and although I could receive from them, I never made the connection back to God.  The family and friends that reached out also became extensions of God's grace and love.

Over the years I have often grappled with the idea of faith.  At one time I believed faith was to continue to pray for and fight for what I wanted no matter what the circumstances looked like.  I now wonder if faith isn't trusting in God's love and goodness even when the circumstances don't look good, believing that God truly has a plan that is much different than my own.  I believe that had I prayed as Jesus did, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  Yet not as I will but as you will," I would have truly been living in faith.  How I wish I had cried out to God and allowed him to bring comfort rather than to hold on to my "faith" and almost lose Him.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you Denice! I look forward to this EVERY week! ((hugs))