My
Dearest Friend,
As
you sit at home, alone, or surrounded by nurses and therapists, I
realize how lonely you are. No matter how many people step in
to help, the ultimate care of your little one remains yours and yours
alone. The professionals can and will eventually leave and move
on with their lives. There is no moving on for you. You
have now begun this journey on a very lonely path.
I
understand how frustrated you become at times, not only with the
situation but also with your child. You are not able to place
your child in her crib and walk away when she has been crying for
hours on end, because your little one needs constant supervision in
order to keep her alive. You are also not able to call your
neighbor and ask that she stop in to give you a break when you feel
you have had all you can take, as she is untrained to meet the
medical needs of your child.
I
know the worry that you carry regarding your child's health and
emotional issues. When the rest of the family is asleep and your
little one has finally begun to rest, how you lie awake worrying
about insurance coverage and bills and surgeries and not only what
next year will bring, but how you will make it through tomorrow.
I
have experienced the moments of crying out to God without having the
words to express my pain and sorrow.
I
recognize the guilt that you have for feeling all of the above
emotions. This is not how you envisioned motherhood. This
was nowhere in the plan you laid out for your life.
I
also acknowledge your deep love and commitment for your child. I
know you are willing to give up personal comfort, wealth, your own
career and your personal plans, in order to provide your child with
all she needs.
I
notice that you scour the internet looking for answers and a cure. I
have observed you on Facebook and blogs in hopes of finding some
relief for your inner turmoil. I recognize that you reach out
to friends and share your hurt, frustration and loneliness. And I
also realize that no matter what you do, at the end of the day you
come back to the starting point of needing to walk a path that you
never imagined or dreamed of walking.
The
first two years of Caleb's life were filled with such loneliness,
frustration and sorrow for me. And I also reached out to others
with the hope of somehow being released from the journey before me.
If
I were sitting next to you, I would put my arms around you and allow
you a good cry. I would come over with coffee and just sit and
visit and give you a chance to experience what a "morning out
for coffee" feels like. But because many miles come
between us, let me offer you some encouragement.
What
you are doing truly matters. The endless sleepless nights, the
speaking up when your child can't, the loneliness and sorrow. It
is all working in you to create a beautiful masterpiece. While
I was going through the early years with Caleb, I thought I was
sacrificing myself and giving up my dreams. In a sense I was,
but what I received in return has been a change within that I never
could have imagined. I have become stronger and wiser. I am
patient and caring. I find value in so many things that I never
found valuable before. I see beauty where before I only saw
heartache and sorrow. What is occurring in you is the burning
away of all self-centeredness and it is being replaced with a
beautiful thing called love.
Please
reach out to others who can help (a counselor, a pastor or a friend
who really understands). There is no value in traveling this
path alone. And rather than fight what you are feeling, allow
it to occur and over the years, sit back and watch the beautiful life
that happens not only in your child, but especially within you.
WOW! Priceless.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree, it's PRICELESS!! Thank you for sharing your heart!!
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