Spring Has Arrived

Spring has arrived and along with it comes all of the 504, ETR, IEP and ESY meetings. Today's post is for the teachers and staff who will be conducting these meetings.

I am the mother of several children who need special accommodations. Last week I attended three different meetings for my children. Rather than feeling excited and hopeful after these meetings, a few comments were made that have stuck with me and made me feel weary and disheartened. I share them today because I believe my perception of the comments is very different from what the teacher meant to say. In order to alleviate the same miscommunication for others, I am sharing the comments, along with a kinder way that the information could be conveyed.

Comments:

"We have several kind children who are willing to play with your child and will include her in their group".
I understand what is trying to be said here:You can be happy because your daughter is being included in social activities. But what I hear is: It takes the kindness of other students in order for your daughter to have anyone that is willing to play with her.
 I am aware that social skills are hard for my daughter, but as a mother, a kinder way to state this would be," Your daughter has really enjoyed playing with some of the other children in the classroom. It is nice to observe other children beginning to see how funny your daughter is and what a kind heart she has. "

"It is my ethical duty to tell you that in 3 years, when your daughter is reevaluated, she will probably not qualify for these services."
I believe what is trying to be said here is that my daughter is showing great improvements and may not continue to need these services. But what I hear is: We were willing to look the other way this year and allow your daughter to continue to have an IEP, but I just need to let you know that in the future, you may not be so lucky.
A better way to state this would be: "Your daughter is making such wonderful improvements. I will be excited to see where she is at in three years, when we reevaluate. Perhaps at that point a 504 will better meet her needs. You should be so proud of her."

"I want you to know that the school could just send a tutor to your home and that would meet their legal obligations." (This was the response when we asked for transportation for summer camp for my wheelchair bound son.)
I"m not really sure what was trying to be said, unless it was exactly what I heard which was: You should be thankful that we are willing to give your son summer school at all.
Don't be so greedy in asking for transportation, or it can all be taken away.
A better way to state this would be:
" We will be happy to ask the district for transportation, as we can understand how difficult it is to transport your son in a wheelchair. If for some reason the district denies it, would  you be able to find a way for your son to make it to camp?"

I would love to hear from both teachers and parents about comments that are often spoken at these meetings. I often think the intentions are good, but somehow in the communication, misunderstandings occur and the relationship breaks down. Perhaps with just a few changes in the way the information is conveyed, everyone can leave the meeting feeling that the child is a cherished member of the school.

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A Tribute to the Power of One

Dear Mary (Our Early Intervention Specialist),

You had been teaching for many, many years when Caleb and I arrived at the door
of your classroom. To you, this was the beginning of another day like many that
had passed before. To me, it was an embarking on a new and unknown path. Our
home therapy had been discontinued, and this morning we were to begin out-patient
early intervention services. We had received the letter in the mail telling us the day
to arrive, the classroom number and your name. I had envisioned what we would
experience but was not prepared for what I was about to learn.

The moment the door opened, your smile and personality welcomed us as a
grandmother would welcome her family. You instantly put me at ease as I rolled
Caleb and his ventilator through the door. You took the lead to show us around the
room and allowed us to choose an activity that Caleb would enjoy. Your approach
that entire first day was about making Caleb feel comfortable and about finding out
what my needs/concerns were as his mother.

Over the next two years your classroom became a place of support for me. On days
when I was so sorrowful about our situation, you dried my tears and provided a hug.
On days when I was frustrated with lack of services, you helped me to brainstorm
about other ways we could get Caleb's needs met. And on days when I was so proud
of an accomplishment, you celebrated with me. You were so present that on each
day of class you were able to provide not only therapy, but also the support and
encouragement I needed in order to make it through another week.

Because Caleb was my first, I not only needed help with teaching him his therapy
exercises, I also needed someone to guide me in my parenting. You gave gentle and
wise advice on everything from potty training, to eating struggles, to discipline. You
instilled confidence in me by your simple methods of explaining things and by your
trust in my abilities. You truly made me feel as though I could succeed in meeting Caleb's needs.

In your classroom there were several other students also receiving services. Over the
months it became obvious that some parents were better at following through on home
exercises and parenting tips than other families, but never did you show annoyance
nor speak ill of any of the families you were serving. Even on weeks when we were
not able to complete the home exercises and there was no progress, you were happy
to see us and encouraged us to pick up where we had left off and continue working
toward our goals. You encouraged us with each small step along the way, pointing
out that, yes, Caleb was getting stronger and moving in the direction that we wanted.
You felt comfortable with the rate of his growth and in turn, you gave me permission
to be okay with his slow, slow progress.

 You carried with you a humble, yet informed spirit. As our time in your class came to a close, you had us connected with all of the services we would need to continue along the journey of Caleb's development.

Caleb has had many teachers over the years that have lived out all of these qualities,
but perhaps because I was so young or because Caleb was my first or because I was
present in the classroom for each session, your impact on me was the most profound.

_______________________________

Mary passed away a few years after we left her class. At her funeral were hundreds
of parents whose lives she had touched throughout the years. I don't know how many
of them were able to share with Mary the impact she had on their lives. So, to all of
the Marys out there, thank you for the job you do. You may never be told, but you are
touching lives for eternity. Not only have I been a better parent to Caleb because of
what I learned in Mary's class, but I have also been a better parent to all of my other
children. And what my children learn from me, they will pass on to their children and
their children’s children. And so please, never underestimate the power that you have
to make a difference in this world. You are not just teaching a class, you are making
the world a better place for generations to come through your impact on one family at
a time.